The Green-Eyed Monster

Resenting others, dismissing their success, failing to feel compassion, or passionately targeting someone for dislike often indicates jealousy. Jealousy is a strong feeling, one that usually comes with a physical response in the stomach, tightness in the chest, and heat or clenching in the face, jaw, or hands. Jealousy disrupts communication, interferes with emotional bonding, and threatens the safety of relationships. Here are some tips in overcoming jealousy:

Feel

Instead of burying or ignoring what you are feeling, acknowledge it. Look for the layers of your own internal needs or fears that are underneath it. The fierce strength from jealousy comes from your mind trying to get your attention, and so will lessen when you do finally pay attention.

Notice

Once you have acknowledged your own internal needs or fears underneath the jealousy, notice how else these needs or fears appear in your life. Consider other ways they are affecting you, and brainstorm what you can do about it.

Counter

If any negative thoughts or false beliefs surface when you notice the layers of your needs and fears, counter them. Challenge negative thoughts with positive ones. Counter false beliefs with true statements.

Stop

Usually some of these negative thoughts or false beliefs come from comparisons you are making to others. Stop comparing yourself to others, and focus instead on a realistic balance. Others also have weaknesses, and you have positive contributions to offer.

Identify

As you release negative thoughts and false beliefs and focus on positive thoughts and true statements, apply this also to yourself. What are your positive traits? What are true statements about what you offer the world?

Reason

If you are being jealous of someone or something, be reasonable about your expectations for yourself and those around you. You may be amazing, but still have limits (so do others). You only have so much time in the day, and that time must be divided among several people or projects. Your spouse will have to sometimes answer the phone for work, attend meetings, or talk to other people. Children from other moms will sometimes win, have success, or do well in activities.

Courage

Jealousy is often fear-based, at least in part. Be brave enough to look at fears, and work them out. Have the courage to say "I am afraid of getting older" instead of screaming at someone "You like her better."

Trust

Past trauma or other bad experiences may influence how safe you feel in relationships. Work these out and let them go. Learn to choose wisely who to share with in relationships, and learn to trust again. Don't punish current people in your life for old mistakes others made.

Communicate

Instead of letting internal concerns stay inside, or old fears grow big in the present, talk about them. Share with your loved one what you are feeling or thinking. Ask for help. Talk about it. Be comforted by the help offered when you tackle it together, instead of being divided by it.

Jealousy is a fear-based response that usually happens when we are comparing ourselves to others. It loses power when we acknowledge it, confront fears, and live in the present with courage, trust, and good communication.