How to Talk to Your Children About the Pandemic
One of the most common questions I am getting right now is how to talk to children about the pandemic, and specifically how to talk to them about death. Parents are reporting anxiety in their children as they are exposed to difficult topics and overwhelming news. This, coupled with the changes in routine and isolation grief from the loss of contact with teachers and friends, leads all of us to uncertainty, fear, and loneliness - especially with children.
If you as a parent are feeling overwhelmed by information overload, the confusing conflicts of misinformation, and concerns about rapidly changing recommendations, your children will pick up on these experiences, too. Not only are your children enduring the pandemic along with you, but they are learning from you how to respond to overwhelming situations and the big feelings that come with them. Bringing up these topics may be easier than you think, as children may initiate the conversation through behaviors or comments that give opportunity to address them together.
Honest and accurate discussion with your children about COVID-19 will help your children understand cognitively what is going on at their own developmental level, while relieving some of their fears. Helping them feel noticed and listened to is an example of attunement, and will help them accept and navigate their own feelings better. Connecting with you through the experience by talking together directly about what is happening will help them feel safe while you model healthy ways of coping.
The Mayo Clinic recommends:
A good place to start is learning about COVID-19 from reputable sources, such as the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and the . Get the facts about current federal and state recommendations and how to protect your family from infection. Then you'll be prepared to talk to your kids and provide them with the support they need during a difficult time.
Share simple facts about COVID-19 that are appropriate for your kids' understanding:
Define what it is. COVID-19 is caused by a germ (virus) that can make the body sick. People who have COVID-19 may have a cough, fever and trouble taking deep breaths. But some people, especially kids, who have the virus may not feel sick at all or may have mild symptoms such as those of a cold.
Explain how it spreads. Most commonly, the virus that causes COVID-19 enters people's bodies when it's on their hands and they touch their mouths, noses or eyes. A virus is so tiny that you can't see it. This is why it's important to wash your hands often and try not to touch your mouth, nose or eyes. If someone who has the infection coughs or sneezes on you from a close distance — closer than six feet — then that also can spread the virus.
Talk about what's being done. You're hearing so much about COVID-19 because it's a new illness that has not been seen before. Experts around the world are working hard every day to learn about COVID-19 and how to keep people safe.
The Mayo Clinic also recommends that you be sure to discuss how your kids can stay safe:
Take practical steps. Encourage frequent and proper hand-washing — especially when coming home, before meals, and after blowing the nose, coughing or sneezing. Show them how to sneeze or cough into a tissue and throw it in the trash or cough into a bent elbow. Clean and disinfect frequently touched items and surfaces around the house.
Demonstrate effective hand-washing. Show your kids how to create tiny soap bubbles by rubbing their hands together and how to get the soap between fingers and all the way to the ends of their fingers, including their thumbs. Encourage your kids to sing the entire "Happy Birthday" song twice (about 20 seconds) so they spend the time they need to get their hands clean.
Stay home more. As school and events are canceled and the family is staying home more, explain to your kids how this can help prevent the spread of the coronavirus. Let them know that when the risks of COVID-19 become much lower or go away, they can look forward to being back in their normal routine.
Practice social distancing. Avoid close contact with people outside of home, even if they don't appear to be sick. Pretend there's a bike between you and the person you're standing near, keeping about 6 feet apart from each other. Instead of giving high fives, fist bumps or hugs to people outside your family, give smiles and waves to say hello.
Don't forget ways to stay healthy. Healthy habits include eating a well-balanced diet, getting regular physical activity and getting a good night's sleep.
In the same way, talking with children about death is important, as well.
To them, it may feel distant but constant because they have seen it so much on television or social media, or it may have come too close in their world because of the death of a loved one.
There is also anticipatory grief and anxiety about themselves or their family getting sick or dying, especially when what they are hearing about is a virus so small you cannot see it and that people have before they know they are sick.
These anxieties and fears are normal, and the trauma of the pandemic experience we have shared is absolutely valid.
And when we are in an ongoing trauma like this, our bodies respond in defense against it at a neurological level. It’s not just in their minds or imaginations. It’s not just you overreacting or trying not to by numbing out because of the roller coaster ride we have all shared.
This really is that big, and it really has been that hard.
That trauma response in our body happens when we try to process all of this and endure the weeks of isolation that we have and anxieties about communities re-opening is real.
Here is an example of us teaching the very same thing to one of our children, who has autism and an especially inquisitive mind and wanted to know how it worked:
So how do you talk with your child about these big issues? Here are some tips:
Start where they are
What your children understand about what has happened will depend on their proximity to the event, exposure to news media covering the event, and the responses of the adults around them. One mom kept it at her child's level by asking her son directly what he had heard about COVID-19, and talked with him about his understanding and answered only his specific questions.
Gauge your own response
Usually, if the parent stays calm then the children will also stay calm. If the parent identifies specific coping skills, the children will use them as well. A father modeled emotional expression for his son by crying after a friend’s father passed away, but also helped organize a driveway food drive to offer service to others.
Acknowledge fears, but counter them
Children may worry that they themselves or someone they know will get sick or die. They may not want to be touched by anyone because of contamination fears, or use too much sanitizer, or have nightmares or somatic complaints like they did when they were younger. Verbalize those fears, but also counter them with facts. One father pointed out that the family had been safely in quarantine for three weeks, so no one in the family had been exposed, and another father reminded his children that not every cough was because of coronavirus.
Process with other adults
Before talking to your children, process your own emotional response with other adults. If you have been more directly affected, modeling healthy grieving and mourning together is appropriate and healthy. One group of moms met on Zoom for breakfast once a week during stay-at-home orders, and another mom arranged FaceTime calls with her friend every other afternoon. These women were caring for themselves in a way that helped keep their own emotional needs separate from the emotional needs of their children.
Reassure safety
Talk about safety in a neutral way or even fun way. One grandmother role played with younger children, making safety planning fun and giving them practice without making it frightening. The older children helped brainstorm escape routes, ways to call for help, and safety items needed for an emergency. You can talk about emergency plans if parents were suddenly sick, just as you review fire and tornado drills.
Follow the child’s pace
One mom let her children express themselves as they always have: playing outside, artwork, music, or games. Family dinners foster moments for good communication, and long walks or hikes (with good physical distancing) give time and space for children to bring up issues they want to share. Physical movement and creative expression are excellent ways for children to process trauma, both emotionally and physiologically, allowing the release of stress hormones from the body.
Normalize
Maintaining structure and routine as much as possible will help children feel safe and comfortable. Helping children maintain function will empower them to express their own emotions, process their own responses, and cope with the layers of feelings and thoughts they have as the world around them changes. Finding ways to creatively connect with others will help children feel less alone. One family sang songs to other families from the sidewalk, and another family went through the neighborhood writing positive messages on the sidewalk to encourage others.
Watch for regression, but don’t expect it
Children struggling with anxiety or overwhelming emotions often regress in developmental areas. They may begin bedwetting again, or lose their toilet training, or becoming clingy to parent. They may want to sleep with siblings or in the parents’ bed or need the nightlight like they did years ago. These are signs the child needs more help and opportunity to express her emotional response, and increased structure and normalized routine may also help. Some changes in eating and sleeping patterns, concentration levels, and topic of conversation is expected and will settle down over time.
Turn off the media
It is one thing to watch the news to know the path of a storm or prepare appropriately for shelter; it’s another thing to constantly stare at repeated images of the aftermath. This is true of the pandemic, too. You need to know what science is learning about the virus, and you need to know what your local governments and hospitals are advising about it. But you can pace the other coverage and your exposure to the ongoing impact in ways that give you time to process what you are learning and experiencing and feeling about it. A single mom watched the media carefully so her family could be prepared, but after obtaining the information she needed, turned on a movie and made popcorn. This way her children were well-informed and calmly prepared, rather than in crisis and anxious.
Respond actively
Finding ways to help may help children feel powerful and in control, making a positive contribution to their community. Making masks or printing visors helps children find a way to respond directly to what they witnessed. Writing notes to teachers and grandparents and far away friends will help them feel connected while having some power to do good. Two of our children were on STUCO in their elementary school, and so made a video to reassure their peers, and involved their siblings so they could also feel empowered by having a way to help reassure others.
Some additional COVID-19 specific resources that may be helpful are:
This FREE download book we recently released from the Inter-Agency Standing Committee Reference Group on Mental Health and Psychosocial Support in Emergency Settings, a unique collaboration of United Nations agencies, IFRC (International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent), national and international nongovernmental organizations, and international agencies providing mental health and psychosocial support in emergency settings. The book is aimed for children about six to eleven years old. With the help of a fantasy creature, Ario, My Hero is You, How kids can fight COVID-19! explains how children can protect themselves, their families and friends from coronavirus and how to manage difficult emotions when confronted with a new and rapidly changing reality.
The coloring book, When We All Stayed Home from Headwaters Relief Organization. This book is not free, but only five dollars will get you one book and send a second book to a child in need. The book explains COVID-19 to children and their families and helps them identify normal emotional responses and process their feelings about what they are experiencing, whether children are still at home or are transitioning back to more normal activities.
WHO has a webpage about healthy parenting while children are home from school due to the pandemic HERE. WHO also has a simple educational flyer about children’s response to stress during the pandemic HERE. UNESCO has a flyer for parents of children learning at home because of the pandemic HERE. UNICEF has this excellent page about how to talk to children about coronavirus, including addressing issues of stigma.
IFRC, UNICEF and WHO issued guidance to protect children and support safe school operations, including recommendations to mitigate against the possible negative impacts on children’s learning and wellbeing. This means having solid plans in place to ensure the continuity of learning, including remote learning options such as online education strategies and radio broadcasts of academic content, and access to essential services for all children. These plans should also include necessary steps for the eventual safe reopening of schools. These recommendations are HERE. UNICEF is specifically urging schools – whether open or helping students through remote learning – to provide students with holistic support. Schools should provide children with vital information on handwashing and other measures to protect themselves and their families; facilitate mental health support; and help to prevent stigma and discrimination by encouraging students to be kind to each other and avoid stereotypes when talking about the virus. THIS PAGE offers guidance specifically for teachers.
PBS has set up THIS PAGE with resources about how to talk with preschoolers and younger elementary about coronavirus. They include the free full episodes of when Daniel Tiger Gets a Cold, a Sesame Street episode about Elma learning to washing his hands, and a Curious George episode about how germs work. They also include links to some free games and activities about staying healthy. They also have THIS PAGE full of tips about COVID19 conversations with children.
National Geographic offers THIS PAGE of tips.
The National Association of School Psychologists offers an extensive list of tips and additional resources.
Children look to us for safety, comfort, and modeling of healthy emotional expression. Talking with them about the pandemic, related tragedies, and how to cope is a vital part of raising them well. Offering our presence helps them feel safe, stable, and connected, even as we recover together.